ok, so this annoyed me

After getting bored within 10 minutes of being conscious this morning I started looking for ways to spend my hard received Xmas cash. Looking in the accessories sale on asos (for a neckerchief and mittens) I found this Ralf Lauren tote bag in the sale with a whopping £39 off it's RRP! Wowzer! you may say, but hold that sentiment until you hear that the RRP was £110! One hundred and ten. Pounds. For a fucking tote bag. An expensive tote bag goes against everything a tote bag is meant to be; cheap, utilitarian and semi-disposable. I can't possibly understand how this has sold badly?

I'm sure this thing is well made and has plenty of pockets to stuff-your-stuff in but seriously you spend £110 on a pair of shoes and get a nice tote bag for free, the only explanation why you would spend £110 on a tote alone is that it is lined with the labial skin of vestal virgins. But lo, our lord asos spoke thus:

* - Cotton tote bag by Polo Ralph Lauren
* - Vibrant embroidered logo front detail
* - Oversized style with twin handles

At straws, clutching- no? Twin handles on a tote bag is a feature as much as ink is to a pen.

This has to be one of the most prolific examples of shameless branding on a shoddy product I have ever seen, you are truly paying for that berk on a horse and nothing else. What's more I fail to see how anyone with more than two brain cells to smash together isn't going to think you a cunt for you buying such a monstrosity.

If you want a really good designer tote bag get down the market and buy a knocked off one, they are always cooler, funnier, cheaper and you can walk around in the knowledge that you -in your own small way- are sticking it the THE MAN.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

stocking filler

I never know what to ask for for xmas so I usually just trawl websites until I find something that I think I could do with and ask for that. But this year I am CREAMING my pants about unwrapping this shirt on xmas day. Denim? Yep. Quilted? Sure is. This thing is going to be so snug fitted under a brushed cotton shirt, you have no idea. Roll on xmas day.

£40 at Topman.

russ meyer

I find it hard to fault Russ Meyer, but when your niche is soft porn with extra boobs then it's hard for you to go wrong anyway.

With a career spanning over 50 years Meyer has cemented his place in cult movie folk lore creating some iconic titles such as Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! and Supervixen, however out of the cult scene he is little known. You may not have seen any of Russ Meyer's films but it's doubtless that you will have seen his influence, because it's not the plot -which at times are paper thin- that makes you love Meyer's films, it's his style; the music, the cinematography, the direction that all contribute to an orgy of cult imagery, these aren't films they are pieces of pop art. Most of Meyer's plots can be summarised in three words: sex, violence and domination, and if you are absolutely honest with yourself then most of his work differs little other than budget and bra size, but that doesn't stop you loving it. Neither does the sexism and racism that goes hand in hand with these exploitation films because you get the feeling that it was not intended maliciously, more a reflection of the time. And what a reflection! A colourful romp across America in fast cars, beautiful women and cartoon violence!

Take these films with a pinch of salt and with your tongue firmly placed in your cheek then it's hard not to love them and with Amazon selling the box set at a boobilicious £25.48 you have no excuse not to indulge yourself.

dear world, stop ruining things i love

There is a fine line between love and hate, but not with these All Star Hi Straps, I irrefutably hate them.

When it comes to footwear, and most other clothes for that matter, I must admit I'm a bit of a stickler for originality and history, which is why I love Chuck Taylors. CTs are the original trainer, they have changed little -other than colour- over the past 90 years and are so iconic that if you're old enough to buy your own footwear you know what a pair of All Stars are and have no doubt owned at least one pair. These things are so engulfing that they are synonymous with everything from punk rock through to the American Dream, from the hippie movement to Justin Timberlake, which is why I tear out my hair when someone fucks with them.

I don't want extra straps added to my Chucks or the laces replaced with Velcro, I don't want glitter or graffiti printed on, I want a design classic to be left alone. Augmenting a pair of All Stars is like putting a body kit and under floor lighting on a '65 Mustang, only a retard would miss the vulgarity of it. Perhaps I'm exaggerating a little here, after all I've seen worse "updates" to these trainers, but the key to the Chuck Taylor's overpowering appeal is it's simplicity and when you start adding extra straps or changing the material you're ruining what makes these trainers great, so- leave them alone.

the desert boot is well and truely back

Like a cyst these things have grown on me. It's taken me over a year for me to go from thinking Clarks Desert Boots are no better than a pair of Ugg boots to thinking these have to be the ultimate in utilitarian work wear. They have history, they are comfy as hell and they are very, very cool, better than this they come in a multitude of colours and materials so you can buy a pair without rocking up to the pub to find the barman wearing your treads. As well as the standard Des Boots you'll find in your local Clarks store there are also a few collaborations knocking about, so if you want something a little more exclusive and don't mind a little hunting then they are out there for you.

free stuff that won't end up pissing off the bin man

Too busy to even wash myself properly this week so sadly I'm going to be hasty and humourless.

Do you like free shit? Yeah me too, the amount of useless crap that I come home with to hold on to for for a week and then ditch into the nearest wheely bin is getting farcical. However this looks like it's worth a punt, Crooked Tongues are running a comp to win a pair of shoes a week for a year, that's 52 pairs of shoes, for bugger all! All the need to do is head down to the website, fill out the form and BOOYAH, you're entered into the prize draw.

Don't say I never treat you.

top 100 t's of the 00's

Got a spare 10 minutes? Then check this out. Top 100 t-shirts of the 2000's and though I don't entirely agree with the list, especially the top 10, there are some stonking T's in there. Sadly my "I could be the white Obama" T didn't make the list. Philistines.

gui boratto - take my breath away

I have to admit I always have my reservations about deep house or anything that is just as acceptable in a club as it is through headphones but Gui Boratto has shown me the error of my ways, this song is epic. Never quite climaxing; rolling, flowing, ebbing through your ears like a tide, leaving you wanting more. Perfect.

Gui Boratto has created perfect balance with Take My Breath Away. The deep fluid bassline is played off against a high pitched distorted electric buzz of the pseudo climax that never comes, just at the moment you think there is a peak you are dropped back down to start all over again. This is repeated through the song with minor changes each time, oddly it never gets old and you're almost reassured to find yourself back where the tune began. I think the track avoids feeling repetitive by avoiding many of the clichés that plague deep house and it's many sub genres, and injects something new with an electro/techno garnish.

The easy build up and drop down equates to this being reserved enough to listen at home and relax with while still serving as a stunning DJ tool to build the crowd up to a frenzy, a combination that is very rarely come across. Already have I heard this song being dropped into the middle of several sets from some of the worlds most well thought of techno DJ's, and I think this is a trend which is set to continue.

Boratto is part of a new wave of Brazilian DJ's and producers that are proving that there is more to the Brazilian dance scene than Latin House, Jazz and Giles Peterson. This cartel of music makers are rocking dancefloors worldwide so you would be wise to keep your eyes and ears peeled for anything forming south of the equator.

public flogging, on national tv?

Are we a nation of sadists? After watching this week's X Factor I'm inclined to say yes.

John and Edward, by all reason, should have been sent home weeks ago, yet they are still here performing for the amusement of us, The Great British Public. Poor singers, personally repugnant, hated by 3 of the judges and only tolerated by the last because Louis is lumbered with them, they are wheeled out for ridicule and amusement week after week and someone is voting for them. The explanation is that a large number of people are voting to watch these two bare their soul, then to be slowly and meticulously cut down like a bull is bled out by a matador. What's even more interesting is that the two are beginning to understand that they are the nation's embarrassing play thing, looking coy and resigned after the judges comments and exasperated bordering on exhausted hearing the news that they were going to be saved for another week of public flogging.

This also marks a shift in the public's voting habits, previous X Factors have seen people voting for and virulently supporting the act they saw as the most deserving, now they are voting for the act they deem most entertaining, irrelevant of skill or appeal. This happened years ago in the now axed Big Brother and led to Jade Goody's assault on the world, a woman who's only redeemable act was to, unintentionally, heighten knowledge of cervical cancer. More concerning is the shift in The X Factor's production to emphasise the 'entertainment' value of the two boys; dressing them up in garish suits, choosing songs they struggle to perform with any dignity and having a set design that is a cross between a children's party and cabaret.

Unfortunately this roaming band of sadists that are keeping John and Edward on my TV are not only risking the working order of my TV they are also risking the creditability of The X Factor. Once past the initial freak show that is the auditions the show switches tact to respected talent show that is considered a breeding ground for next year's pop starlets. The Twins have bridged the gap from the circus side show and, if they continue to gather support, risk debasing the importance of the winner, highlighting the show's triviality. Better yet until the duet get down into the bottom two acts there is nothing anyone -who would want to- can do about it.

What the future holds for The Twins is yet to see, with any luck they will be kept prisoner by their own popularity, repeatedly reminded that it's not their fault they are still there and it's certainly not because of talent either. Becoming increasingly disillusioned and depressed they will struggle with the fade to grey and I don't think a drugs problem or a tactically leaked porn would be out of the question. Whatever happens it's going to be unpleasant, embarrassing and on YouTube.

fame can buy you anything, even a lingerie deal

I was browsing the Daily Mail website, looking for something to wind me up when I came across this article about Peaches Geldof and Dappy getting together via Twitter, the headline reading thus: "It girl turned lingerie model Peaches Geldof Twitters N-Dubz star Dappy to ask for a date". When THE FUCK did Peaches start modelling lingerie? Infact scratch that; why THE FUCK is Peaches modelling lingerie? It's but a small step for a young, pert, attractive IT girl to make the jump from the party scene to a lucrative modelling job, but this is Peaches Geldhof. The runt. The girl considered only marginally more attractive than Bob. On top of this these picture could have only been more obviously photoshopped if I had done them myself. With a crayon. In the dark.

I think this annoys me so much because Peaches is so unfit for purpose here, maybe she could have modelled some up and coming Indy street brand, something that fits better with her personality -what there is of it- but lingerie? For Debenhams? This is all piled on top of the fact that she is kinda out of shape. I by no means want a size 0 model or some silicone princess but maybe someone who looks good without the lighting rig and Adobe CS4. This once again highlights that if you are between 18 - 30 and have had your face in, at least, The London Lite then someone, however misguided, will pay you to get your kit off. We are a nation of perves, god bless us.

i love a working man

I've not blogged about fashion for a while. I guess I've been too poor to bother with it, plus in the summer you don't really need any clothes, but I've got to say I'm loving this autumn's look: The Working Man. I've always been fond of utilitarian looks, mostly because if I wear anything too fancy I fuck it up (please see the brown leather brogues I had on my feet less than 3 hours before destroying them wrestling in gravel.) Another reason I love the working man is because I'm already half way there owning a whole wardrobe of checked overshirts and, because I get mega discount at work, far too many pea coats (five). Now all I need is some footwear, Vans are ok but you end up in the realms of surfer with them and desert boots are a bit Mod, which wouldn't be a bad thing if they weren't also far too broad for my skinny legs. What I really need are some work boots and as usual I need them cheap.

Luckily I've managed to wangle a 25% off discount code for asos bringing the cost of these (asos own) boots down to £41.45 including shipping. For own brand stuff asos is pretty shit hot, it's cheap and though you're not getting hand crafted Italian leather they will stay together through the winter, which is more than I can say for other budget brands *cough* Primark *cough* H&M. I've bought asos own Chelsea boots before now and after wearing in they were plenty comfy, sadly the sole did wear through quicker than I would have liked but after having them re-soled at a small expense they have been bullet proof.

Also asos has managed to avoid the trap that most budget clothing companies fall into; over design. Splattering your already cheap apparel with even cheaper print, logos, glitter and paint fools no one into thinking they are expensive. The attention to detail (or lack of it) and the absolutely bang-on-trend design is what makes asos an absolute gem floating around the electronic bargain bin.

Seriously, if you're after some cheap footwear give asos a go- unless you want these work boots, then you can ef-off because they're mine.

dear jan moir

Dear Jan Moir,

I know that it is impossible for us to ordain the way in which we die, however we can take steps in our lifestyle to gently sway our comeuppance in a certain direction, and this is what I intend to do. Once my life has peaked and I have achieved all that I wish I am going to engage in activities which, for some, may be seen as immoral and certainly ungodly. If all goes to plan I will go out as a result of a drugs overdose while fellating an eastern European boy at one of Dale Winton's pool parties, if this is the case please would you write my obituary.

Your sterling work capturing the colourful aspects of Steven Gately's death was an inspiration to us all, not only was your work heartfelt it was also honest, in a time when we feel oh so obliged to honour our dead. I know at the time of my death you may be engaged in other works such as writing literature for the Christian anti-gay movement in Africa or writing press releases for Nick Griffin so I will give you a few starting points to stir up the bile: Firstly I support equal rights for all, including- homosexuals, foreign workers, immigrants and first generation foreigners. Secondly I actively engage in improving support for those on a low income or on benefit. Thirdly I do not believe that all terrorists are Muslims nor all Muslims are terrorists. Fourthly I understand that the British economy is now propped up by migrant workers, not stealing jobs but doing jobs that the indigenous workers refuse to do. Finally I know that not all benefits are claimed by those who simply can't be bothered to work. If this is not enough then I would be happy to have you walked around my library of pornography and liberal propaganda including works such as 'On the Origin of Species' and 'A Hisroty of the Holocaust'.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to reading your coverage of George Michael's impending death. Hope to hear from you soon.

Jonathan.

dannii moccasins

I feel the same about Dannii Minogue as I do about these; I can't tell whether I love or hate them. Much like Dannii these are hand crafted and cheap at £13.99, so I guess I can afford to find out. I doubt they will be as grateful after sex though. Get a pair here.

st. james infirmary. cab calloway and fleischer

I'm too tired to be coherent, so I will just post this clip from an old Fleischer Brothers cartoon. Max and Dave Fleischer were early rivals of Walt Disney, creating intricate, surreal and ghoulish cartoons that were -and in my opinion still are- far better than anything Walt churned out. Funny and uniquely dark, Fleischer cartoons were popular in the early 1930's, at times, more so than even Disney's flag ship mouse. Sadly during the mid 1930's the Fleischers struggled with increased censorship and a new Production Code forcing them to tone down their cartoons and as a result stifling the obscure and risque style that had made them so popular. With the exception of Popeye, Fleischer cartoons have seen little popularity since the late 1930's, which is a shame because nothing since has come close to the gothic grandeur of these early classics.

akihabara majokko princess

I've never really rated Kirsten Dunst, but then I've never really disliked her either, I suppose she has just slipped under my radar unnoticed. However dress her up like a J-Girl from a middle aged Japanese wet dream and suddenly I have all the time in the world for her. This is what you get when you mix in equal parts an edgy Japanese Artist (Takashi Murakami), one of the new wave of Hollywood film directors (McG) and a young, attractive and I'm guessing kinda impressionable actress (Kirsten Dunst). These are some behind-the-scenes shots from the triples collaboration which has Dunst bouncing around Akihabara, Tokyo singing a cover of “Turning Japanese” -and I think that's all there is to it, sounds awesome though, right?

nice work God

I'm an atheist but there are times when I see something that makes me doubt my doubt, places, situations and events that make me think that there must be some divine being pulling the strings for my benefit.

oh look, something else I don't want

Insa and Rousseau are following the success of last years bubble chair with this new lounger and I must say I have mixed feelings: Con: it's hideous and in too many ways to mention. Pro: it has a topless chick sprawled over it- and there in lies the enigma that is Insa.

The artist/designer/compulsive whinger Insa is forever collaborating with a range of fashion and design brands the product of which is a plethora of already horrendous consumer must-haves made worse by Insa's eye bending drawing, however where there is an Insa collab there is also a set of boobs. Insa's obsession with optical illusions is only rivalled by his obsession with a good rack and in almost all the promo shots for product he has lent his pen to there will be a scantily clad model sexifying it up. It is a cheap and mindless way to sell, but it has given an extra dimension to Insa's trademark style and I think it works for him, especially considering the market he appeals to- young deginy fashiony types. It's a shame that Insa's trademark prints lend themselves so badly to anything other than a canvass (be that actual canvass or any other flat surface he chooses to adorn with his optical wizzardry) because he is definitely talented and his work is genuinely good, well thought out and I expect time consuming so it seems a waste to be ruining it on a pair of shoes, but then I feel I'm in the minority judging by his popularity and his on going and ever expanding collaborations.

You can check this chair out at rousseau.co.uk and check out Insa's blog here, though be warned he is constantly whining about people ripping his off- no one likes a sour puss.

look what happened when the bee gees weren't looking

Early 80's disco is one of the best kept secrets in music, until now. Fake Blood, a name synonymous with dance-floor filling electro, has dropped one of the greatest disco tunes since circa 1984. "I Think I Like It" has .blown.my.mind. it sounds more like a remix of some ancient Italian disco than a new track from the guy who brought you "Mars" and "The Paddle". This all new tune with it's cut and pasted vocals, slap bassline and splashed hi-hat retains Fake Blood's jerky, epic style while having it's roots firmly buried in the early 80's underground disco scene. Italo disco has recently seen a small resurgence in popularity thanks to DJ's and producers such as Erol Alkan, DJ Shadow, Black Devil Disco- and now Fake Blood can be added to the list of music makers championing a genre of music which has, for inexplicable reasons, dropped off the radar for 25 years. I think there's an argument that John Travolta and The Bee Gees killed disco, luckily now the Bee Gees are half dead and John Travolta is too wrapped up in Scientology to ruin it for the rest of us so with any luck we will be hearing more of the same from Fake Blood and the others who, like myself, love the drama of a synthesised bassline and string section strung together like lift music on the Death Star.

easy Lionel

Link:

It's cruel to laugh at the afflicted, but when it's self inflicted it's cruel not to. The over-exaggerated gesturing, the random sporadic stumbling about, the sly trying-to-be-inconspicuous hand in the pocket, the fact that even in this drug addled state there is some faint flicker of light that knows how to get home, all these things are what makes this special. However, the thing that makes this so special is that with time and a little promotion, one day, this video will make it's way round to Lionel and in a painful flashback this debauched morning will no longer be a distant memory but a full colour, full sound, HD-reality. God bless the camera-phone.

sliced bread for the Google generation

Though I am trying to avoid posting inane product based updates to my blog I really, really like this.

It's hard to find a good iPhone case, most of them take up too much space, look cheap or hinder access to your phone and because of this I've never bothered with one. Unfortunately as a result my iPhone is looking a little tatty now and I really need to get some kind of protection for it before it goes the same way as two of my previous iPods: the bin. The main problem I have with iPhone cases is that no matter how slimline they are they inevitably add weight and bulge to my pockets which are already overladen with my Ikea sponsored Oyster card sheath containing not only my Oyster card but my Driving License, work ID, Debit Card, Rail Card, a Tube map and a bottle opener- all of which I consider essential. The only way I would consider a case for my iPhone is if I could do away with my make-shift wallet, however this would render me effectively useless and thus this is as far as my train of thought on the matter would run. So it blew. my. mind. to see a 2-in-1 iPhone case and wallet; sliced bread for the Google generation.

The case-mate I.D. gives protection for your iPhone 3G/3GS while providing space for up to two of your most essential cards, while it won't be much use to someone who carries around the equivalent of a small bible in their pocket, for someone like myself who likes to travel minimal this is a godsend. Coming in an array of (obnoxious) colours and being made and tested (to make sure it doesn't de-magnetise your AMEX) to case-mate's high end standard of quality this is the only iPhone case I would ever consider purchasing. Available from case-mate.com

Kanye West, bigger than Jesus?

This is better than porn or at least close. There is a moment just as Jay Leno mentions Kanye's mum where I actually get aroused, not illegal German porn aroused or even embarrassing shuffle off the bus aroused but I definitely felt something.

In a country with an ego problem where film stars can make it into the White House and foreign body builders can become state Governors, Kanye West finds it hard to put a foot wrong but picking on the young, white, blond, country girl is a step too far. So far that President Obama has declared West a "jackass" which is close-enough-makes-no-difference to "fuckwit" for me.

Finally the world is coming round to the idea that Kanye West is as charming as a genital wart -not much of a shocker I'm afraid- the man is abhorrent in every sense and his talent goes only as far as his ego can push it. A string of piss weak albums and clothing lines that look like they were designed by 1980's Polish gangsters leaves me wondering where Kanye got started on his full frontal assault on my senses and more importantly where will he stop? With any luck the worm has turned and finally Kanye, drunk on his own ego, has pushed the envelope of illusion too far and the American public -easily foxed by the smoke and mirrors- will see Kanye for the fat, talentless nerd that he truly is. This is my hope at least, no doubt all is forgiven after his boner educing cry fest with Jay Leno and we will be back to West spouting such sensationalist classics as "President Bush doesn't care about Black people" without as much as a murmur of discontent from 'the fans'. Though perhaps not- The Beatles nearly cocked it with their "bigger than Jesus" slur and right now in America there is a very fine line between Country & Western and divinity, so hopefully, with a bit of old fashioned faith and prayer we may see the last of the High School Drop Out.

ex-girlfriends are So-Me

I don't like to wear jewelry, I think unless you're married or a pimp it's pretty camp. This stuff however is totally bitching. French artist So-Me has collaborated with Japanese streetwear brand Revolver to bring these Ex Girlfriend necklaces into my life and about time too. Available from Cool Cats Webstore and a little pricey at €85 considering it's a cheap metal necklace but they are rare and pretty cool.

back again...

Back from holiday- tired and tanned.

Will be posting again before the end of the week...

Raekwon feat. Inspectah Deck, GZA, Ghostface Killah & Method Man – house of flying daggers

What came first: white middle class boy's love of badly dubbed ninja films or their love of The Wu Tang Clan? The great chicken and egg conundrum. Either way after 15 years The Wu are still drawing influence from the bad dubbing and dubious plot lines of old ninja flicks- oddly it's yet to wear thin.

The video for House of Flying Daggers fails to do the song justice, lazy and cheap animation lets down what is another quality release from some of the original Wu members. Though the animation is spot on trend it lacks any style or sophistication to make it look better than some cheap internet animation thrown together by a couple of bored students. Even when viewed on a large monitor or a TV screen you are still left feeling that little money, imagination or talent was spent on this video. Understandably the video features ninjas -it is a Wu Tang video after all so your hands are tied re: the ninja quota- but I just think that with a little imagination this video could have been so much more than the cheap cliché that it is.

The track itself is excellent, featuring production from the late J Dilla and is a reminder that after many years and a few deaths the Wu can still pump out their unique style of Hip-Hop and make it sound fresh- which is harder than it sounds. Look at the Prodigy for example, they now sound like a poor man's Pendulum and Pendulum sound terrible even with a head full of ecstasy.

House of Flying Daggers features on Raekwon's forthcoming album Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II to be released September 8th.

when did Speed Garage stop being a joke? (Speed Garage is back and he's left his Reebok Classics at home)

Life, music and fashion all run on a continuous repeating loop, which is why in 2009 we're all knocking around looking like extras from a John Hughes (R.I.P) movie...

Being down with the kids is pretty tough, you have to face things you thought you'd safely buried back in the 90's. What's worse is coming to terms with actually liking them. Over the last year Speed Garage and 4x4 have slowly, but none the less forcefully, been creeping into my frontal lobe. My iPod has been dominated by a few young but talented DJ's: Kissy Sell Out, Foamo, A1 Bassline to name a few that have sodomised my ears with music that 10 years earlier would have had me fleeing for the nearest hat pin to perforate my ear drums. A little exaggerated perhaps but 10 years ago I was 15 and teenagers tend to have an all or nothing ethos. Simply put I've been unwittingly listening to a lot of Speed Garage, but it's not the Garage of the 90's, it has had a style update and now it's up beat tempo and all over chirpy disposition makes it perfect ear fodder for the young and raving.

Day glow paint and glow sticks are no longer the articles of the grimy underground, they are at the forefront of the festival and club scene so much so that I spent an afternoon at Field Day and returned home looking like a Stephen Sprouse masterpiece. With the neon has come a happier bouncier side to Garage, gone are the gelled short back and sides and Rockports, the skinny jeans and plimsolls have won the day. In the hands of this new breed of DJ's even the hardest of old school Garage is tweaked and mixed to sound new, fresh and ironically cool. This new life that has been breathed into the genre has been so effective that it is a task beyond my ears to listen to a mix and pick out the new releases from the vintage.

The reason that Speed Garage has been able to crash our party so stealthily is because few DJ's (worth listening to) use the term Garage any more, the genre goes by other monikers and sub-genres, 4x4 and Bassline House being the most prolific. Sheffieldians will tell you that Bassline House is a genre unto itself but only because since the steel industry collapsed the city has little going for it and claiming a music genre of their own is a big deal... just humour them. Sure there are subtle differences between the genres but it's the same as trying to differentiate between the Cheeky Girls, a tough task that no one cares enough about to bother. These "sub" genres are gaining momentum right now and are yet to peak in clubs, but be sure that the latter half of this year will be dominated by 4x4 and Bassline, they are already seeping into the mainstream and it won't be long before Calvin Harris gets his untalented teeth into them.

The appeal of Speed Garage is it's throw away charm; there is nothing special or clever about a speed garage track- a simple and uniform 4x4 beat with some synthesised bass and, if you're lucky, a touch of vocals, lyrically uncomplicated but with a self awareness that lets you forgive it's simplicity and lack of panache. Thinking about it I now wonder what we ever danced to before Garage, everything else seems so serious in comparison... the only thing that comes close is early 80's Italian Disco and sadly that hasn't taken off in the clubs. Electro is obviously danceable, but these days you get the feeling that as a genre it takes itself far too seriously. Deep and Vocal House suffer from the same affliction that Electro does with an added nail in the coffin in that the genre has progressed little in the last 10 years. Hip-Hop and Drum and Bass are out because unless you're a 17yr old driving your Corsa round town then they're totally unacceptable. And that doesn't leave much for the New Rave Warriors does it?

I may have to rename this post - Speed Garage: The Saviour of Dance - because I think it really is.

*ZANG!* best-idea-ever

I'm gonna have this t-shirt made up the second I get paid. Try not to be too jealous.

something to rave about

Repetative electronica can be really hit and miss. I like far more of it than I should, there's a certain hypnotic charm to hitting on a bassline that hooks you in, satisfying the primeval infatuation with a monotonous but well timed drone.

Get Get Get by Grapes aka Flip Kowlier (a man who has already had his hand in indie and hip-hop and now wants to prove he can knock out something to rave to) is a stonking good piece of electro tedium. The chirpy but electronic beats of this tune with it's cartooney but lude video reminds me of Junior Senior- if Junior Senior weren't shit and they made lude electronic music videos. Which they don't so the link is tenuous. However, I can see this song being big and you have got to give props for the music video that is carefully crafted and aesthetically bold with a 50's style joyfully reminding me of Ren and Stimpy. The song as a whole is basic with a grimey electronic bassline that doesn't deviate throughout and a 4x4 beat which makes me think that Kowlier is playing it a little safe considering the recent popularity of 4x4 and speed garage. None the less the song is excellent and quickly draws you in, which is all you can really ask for I suppose.

Via DCR

Offender Locator, another worthless app for my iPhone

This app creeped my out for 6 seconds and then I was fascinated by it, but for that reason it has to go. If it doesn't then the next time I'm in the pub I will be betting on the distance to the nearest sex offender.

Offender Locator allows you to search for registered sex offenders by street address or current GPS position from your iPhone. This application spent 2 weeks on the Top Paid Apps list on the American App Store before it was pulled, presumably because of the Californian law prohibiting the sale of criminal information for a profit, which means that a lot of people have this app now, more concerning is that here in the UK you can still download both the full and lite versions.

Why you would need to know the nearest registered sex offender is beyond me other than for financial gain in a voyeuristic pub betting game. It's the triviality and mobility of this application and it's information that really perplexes me. My sister has a two year old daughter and I have a little brother aged 11, neither my parents nor my sister have ever checked the sex offenders register nor do they want to check on their iPhones where the nearest sex offender lives before letting the kids loose on an adventure playground. I don't come from a family of Daily Mail readers, which is probably why I can't see the advantage of this app or the sex offenders register being made public, the only people I can see having a use for the information Offender Locator provides are the paranoid immigrant fearers that need a quick hit of panic and indignation. I would assume the Daily Mail would be enough of a fix, clearly not. For the people who genuinely feel they and their family are at risk from roaming hoards of child rapists the sex offenders register is like pushing on that loose tooth, it's painful but you kinda like it.

What exactly do we gain by knowing the last registered address of a sex offender? In reality fuck all. Other than not sending your kids round to the house to trick or treat this is no good way to protect yourself or others from sexual attack, after all the world is a chaotic and random place. Plus sex offenders are not house bound. The fact is that here in western countries, in particular the UK and USA, we love paedophiles, we can't get enough of them- it's an irrational fear and obsession we have for reasons I don't fully understand. I think in part it's down to media hype and that we love a good stereotyped baddy, whatever the reasons it's a morbid fascination that Offender Locator plays up to, it's like your very own Hollywood celebrity tour but for sociopaths and the mentally ill.

The fear mongering that Offender Locator brings to bear is unbelievable but in America they can go one better. The Family Watchdog's (an American website listing sex offenders) iPhone app "also analyzes the threat level at the phone's location, and delivers a concise summary so that users can quickly gauge their personal risk." I.E. you can now accurately determine how close you and your family are to a gang raping. No one knows fear like Middle America, Middle England is a Glaswegian dock worker by comparison.

Offender Locator is one of the reasons I hate iPhones, there are too many awful app's out there. I can see even less use for this application than for the Virtual Zippo or iPint both of which -despite being amusing for less than 3 seconds- are rammed down your throat every time you go to the pub with some prick with an iPhone. Next time I do go to the pub I expect to be discussing this app because odds on someone will pull it out and look up the nearest sex offender, the only small mercy is that Offender Locator doesn't work too well in the UK- but this could all change with a new update.

a return to solitary

Right I'm back, and with a vengeance. Having a year long hiatus to pursue other interests such as getting employed, moving cities, and using my spare time to write for brandish.tv I have returned to my very own blog. Reasons for a return to blogging solitary are 2 fold, firstly though I loved writing for brandish, spending time seeing how far I can stretch my posts away from menswear and fashion and keeping abreast of the latest ficalities of designers and brands it wasn't a good board to sound all my annoyances and observations on the world. Secondly and more importantly: brandish folded. I am now the blogging homeless.

Firstly can I just say a big thanks to IsabelleOC for giving me the opportunity to write for brandish and not calling me out for my lacking basic knowledge in fashion and the English language (I have no idea what an epaulette or a noun is). Secondly I'll take this opportunity to wish all the best to the Shiny Media team, hope you all land on your feet and don't spend too much time on the dole, scumbags.

My decision to restart this blog came before I heard that brandish had gone south, however the timing was spookily close. I came to this decision because I wanted another arena to spout something far more venomous than was appropriate for male fashion, also I need somewhere to practise my prose and verse if I am ever to get started on my novel (and I'm only half joking). At some point I will edit down my older posts, however right now I can't bring myself to read what I wrote in a haze of pre-employment desperation. I'll save that job for a particularly twisted hangover. Enjoy.