schwarzenegger is gonna be gutted

GM failing to sell the Hummer brand to a Chinese car manufacturer has called it a day on this monolith of excess and I, for one, am gutted. Hummer excelled at nothing; ugly, unreliable, expensive, and pretty much unusable on any road anywhere, however they were BIG and I liked that. Size isn't everything, however these things are so big you can see/hear/smell/feel/taste(?) them coming for miles and this always made me feel safe in the knowledge that I could quickly and accurately identify my nearest fucknut. Only an ungodly wanker would ever be seen dead in a Hummer, let alone be driving one, so you can be damn sure that if you can see a Hummer you're close to an oxygen thief of monumental proportions. For example the celebrity endorsements of Hummer reads like a Who's Who list of people I'd like to see contract and intestinal worm: Paris Hilton, Chris Eubank, Mike Tyson, Wyclef Jean, Coolio... The advantage of Hummer was that the bottom feeders of society were quickly identified and self-ostracised, now they could be anywhere, in any number of smaller and slightly less obnoxious cars. No longer can they be identified with such ease and stabbing accuracy. RIP Hummer.

pause for thought/hate

Is Kaye West the new Morrisey? Both arrogant halfwits with the talent of an ulcerated anus and fans that can, at best, be described as "moronic". These two are like Marmite; you love them or hate them, except you don't- you just hate. Hate. HATE. HATE. But of course it's up to you to decide...(hate).

quiffs get you quim

In the ever changing world of my hair nothing stays the same for long and so I am now growing a quiff. OK that sentance is total bullshit but you can't open with: In the drab and stationary world of my hair things rarely change, no doubt even my new fad of a quiff will soon be disassembled.

All we really need to know is that right now, this week, today I am growing a quiff and I'm pretty damn pleased with myself. Not only have I found a style that suits me, suits my hair and doesn't look like I just rolled out of bed, I think I'm onto something a bit more global with this quiff business, i.e. I think it's due a major comeback. Quiffs have been mooching around in the sidelines for a while now, cropping up (do you get it? crop-ing?) in toned down form on the catwalks for the past few years and now upon the heads of certain celebrities such as Henry Holland, Simon Amstell and the universally hated (I refuse to believe he is anything else) Morrissey. Though I guess Mozza has had his since the 80s and just waited it out for 20 years. This has now filtered all the way down from adverts, editorial, catwalks and our much loved and emulated celebrities until you're seeing a few quiffs rocking down the high street.

The quiff is a truly iconic piece of hair sculpture that immediately reminds you of every person that has rocked a quiff past and present, the list is endless and reads like a who's who of beautiful rebels and heroes. There is something quite elementally cool about a quiff and it has, at times, a split personality: on the one hand this is the hair of a man who takes much pride in his appearance but at the same time will quite happily drunkenly brawl the evening away before heading to the workshop to re-tune his motorbike. The effeminate coiffing VS. the manly connotations. The dual life of this hair is aided by the fact that once you have your quiff set it's pretty much a low maintenance barnet, so whether you're preening yourself in the mirror or rapping a pool cue round someone's head, your hair cares not. Another point mentioning is that you won't have to shell out top dollar for this über cool do as any barber worth his salt (and most that are not) will know how to knock this up for you, negating the need to go to an expensive salon where you're paying 4 times the price for nothing more than the privilege of having a 16yr old trainee brush her breasts against your forehead as she massages your scalp.

Low maintenance, epically cool and versatile, there is a quiff for almost everybody: contemporary like the one pictured above or traditional like those below-


The Teddy Boy / Rockabilly


The Geek Quiff


The 80s Quiff

The final string in a quiff's bow is that no matter how popular it gets it will always retain a retro cool, that certain je ne sais quoi of a style that is a bit of an outsider, a hair cut you wouldn't trust to take your daughter to the prom. And that is why it is due a comeback.

icons pt1. my fashion substance

Being a dedicated follower of fashion doesn't get you far in my book, barely past the dust cover to be frank. The big beef I have with the fashionista/isto brigade is that it is all style without substance; wearing and doing just because you have been told you should is the same thinking that plunged western Europe into a world war for the second time in under 30 years- yep I am comparing All Saints to Nazi Germany, and what of it? Not only is it mindless, it's obvious and painfully dull to watch these geese strutting around in a mish-mash of their top three window dressings. As a result you get some pretty incoherent mixes of styles, which is not to say being creative and subverting the norm is in anyway a bad thing but neon and brogues are never going to go together and it's worrying that those who spend so much time looking into their own visage cannot see this. Nothing is cool just because it's cool.

I guess in the same way that I'm a literary snob I'm a fashion snob. I refuse to read anything that is not considered a classic (modern or otherwise) and shy away from anything at all which has been written in my lifetime. Likewise I will follow trends but I want them to have icons and a base that is not what's in this month's GQ; I need fashion to have a personality or a sponsor with credentials. I think a look should be a lifestyle.

The mods and the goths have got it right as have the punks and maybe even the hippies.. but perhaps that Pill is a Little too Jagged to swallow. Me? I'm a big fan of the subversives: James Dean, Kurt Cobain and Hunter S. Thompson.


Jimmy Dean doesn't need much explaining; did three great films, smoked a lot, crashed his car, died. One of the coolest guys who ever lived.. and then shortly died.


Kurt Cobain is a little trickier; the reason Kurt is so awesome is that he never really intended it, or at least didn't try too hard at it in the conventional sense. He had effortless style and presence, was the figure head for disenfranchised youth and killed himself. Cool.


Hunter S. Thompson is a complicated fellow, though again quite effortlessly cool. Hunter's big "fuck you" to everyone and everything that he decided to be unfair and un-American was about the coolest thing to happen to the 70's, along with his shorts, sports socks, Chuck Taylors, cigarettes and shades. Oh and he killed himself too, it's pretty tough at the top.

These three guys had an unmistakable style but this style was a by-product of their life and of their personality- there was substance, and this is the ethos behind dressing well. Your look should evolve from yourself. My grunge/utilitarian look comes from my own desire to not be restricted or tied down. I don't ever want to have to get changed because I'm unsuitable to go garden hopping at 3am or worried about ruining myself scrabbling around in frozen gravel. I don't want my look to dictate my life and neither did my fashion heroes.

Put this another way: one of the best-looking-on-going-fist-fights of all time was the Mods Vs. Rockers clashes of the 60s. Each side in uniform dictated to them by their lifestyle and music taste, no mod would listen to rock and no rocker would listen to mod, there were no part-time fanciers of these gangs. This is how it should be today, perhaps without all the fighting, but unless your look is at least partly representative of yourself then you are no better than a fashionisto.. or a Nazi, whichever sits with you better.

cricket? jumper?

Would you dare stand at the crease with a sturdy length of wood? Haha. Ok. I'll shut up.

But would you wear a cricket jumper with your everyday threads? I would, it's a great look if slightly oversized, however I was questioned about it today and I stammered to find an answer. The question that verbally shafted me was: "why do you like wearing a cricket jumper, is it ironic?" quick as a flash I responded with "errrrmmm... yeah... well... like, it's just a nice v-neck?.." articulate, no? And still I don't know; is it ironic? I think it's less ironic, more classic but is it only classic because it's ironic? And how many other pieces of clothes might I be being ironic about? When I think classic do I mean ironic? These are some of the questions I'm failing to answer. The only reason I can think of for wearing this cricket jumper is because I'm pretty sure I saw Kurt Cobain wearing one once, which re-assures me that it is cool and probably not ironic, or was Kurt being devilishly ironic when he may or may not have donned his cricket sweater?

This has sent me into a spiraling pit of self doubt about the hows? and whys? I dress myself, all I can say is that I'm all about cricket jumpers right now, ironic or not, and I think you should be too. Except not like the berk in the picture above, he looks like a proper nob.

If you do take the plunge then almost any one will do, don't bother with a fashion sweater just buy one from a sports supplier and remember to get it slightly too big- grunge. Bugger it, your Dad probably has one so just pike his, hopefully it'll be already worn in and if it's survived since his youth damn well made. Roll on spring.

it's like wearing a hollyoaks character on your feet, but less practical

Right I fear I may be repeating myself here but I must launch into a colourful rant about Ugg boots after seeing this ad in GQ.

What in the name of all that is holy are Ugg doing advertising to men? This is some wishful thinking by a hopefully now fired marketing exec, some products just don't make the jump from gender to gender and career screaming into the gorge of embarrassing ad campaigns. What's more, and I think this is important to highlight at this stage, is that Ugg boots are the most horrific smear on footwear only rivaled by Crocs and sports sandals.

My mind spins when I try to think why women are still persisting in spending £100+ on footwear that looks like a 5 year old's drawing of a foot. I will begrudgingly accept comfort as an answer, but why stop there I ask? Why not wear fur lined padded trousers and a pajama top if comfort is what you're after, fuck the critics who think you look like you're on day release. I'm also confused as to what season you're meant to wear these things; in the winter they have no grip to speak of and soak up water like badly behaved spaniel, smelling just as bad, and in the summer they get so hot you're walking around in two pints of your own sweat and fungal infection. My fear is that people are clinging on to a fad which should have died out as quickly as it started. What's more is I think this all started with Big Brother housemates and the cast of Hollyoaks- which is no foundation to build upon, unless of course you're campaigning for the spread of chlamydia.

I think a Hollyoaks star was the first Y chromosome I saw wearing a pair of Uggs and it was a crystallising moment for me as until then I thought I had reached the pinnacle of my hatred for the wretched things. Men cannot fall on the same excuse that women can for Uggs because it's a mislead feeling of fashion and breaking from convention that leads men to wear them, and though I will be taken by a fashion whim myself from time to time, Ugg boots are unacceptable. They are useless, impracticable, ugly, overpriced and disgusting things, if you want comfort and to fly in the face of the norm then wear your slippers out- you'll get the two thumbs up from me!

I was going to add into this post what I think are attractive alternatives, however it would be an insult to you to point out that work boots are practical, brogues are attractive and practical, trainers are comfy, attractive and practical, and almost anything is an attractive alternative to wearing Hollyoaks on your feet.

So I hope you can all share my disdain for the man above relaxing on the tropical beach in his fur lined, sponge soled twat-boots.

and you thought there were no good white techno grime rappers from south africa

Right, where to start? Let me firstly explain I love this and I cannot express how much. Die Antwoord sound like if West Coast Gangster Rap and Techno fucked and had a baby and Grime and German Hardcore fucked and had a baby and then both their baby's somehow got together and fucked and had a baby, Die Antwoord would be that baby. If you know what I mean?

This stuff is so hard to listen to if you like anything other than the most obnoxious bleepy-clicky-sweary-noise. Luckily I love a good obnoxious drone and as most people don't, listening to this will fulfill my two life criteria: make me happy & make others miserable.. and thus make me happier. Seriously though these guys are pretty good, their production is decent and their delivery is faultless.. perhaps I'll skirt around content and simply say it's no worse than most Grime, which makes their delivery even more commendable. I can't work out if they are being ironic though, I hope not but I fear they are, I mean surely they are? Sadly without knowing any proper South Africans I don't know if irony is a big thing over there, I feel maybe not, or at least hope. Either way they have a massive following of disgruntled youth in South Africa and a small following of obnoxious nob-heads in the UK (me), so collectively we all get the joke or we don't.

Their first video is for Enter The Ninja, which sadly and typically is their worst song so don't judge on that, Zef Side (posted above) is much better and genuinely hilarious plus there at least 5 other excellent tunes on their albumn $O$. 'Wat Pomp' and 'Beat Boy' are my highlights, the former sounding akin to Miami's own Clipse and the latter being a 10 minute garage marathon with several -excellent- tempo changes that leaves you gagging for more. Other notables are 'Super Evil' which sounds like MF Doom was there tinkering away behind the desk and the albumn title track '$O$' which is an instrumental and uncharacteristic but brilliantly atmospheric electro-tech number. I'd like to say there is something for everyone on this album, but I can't, my Mum would hate it. Nonetheless it's still pretty varied considering it's mostly bleeps clicks and swearing in Afrikaans and that makes it a rip-roaring good listen.

Music aside what I love most about Die Antwoord is their look. It's the best. Ninja's Pink Floyd boxers and ying yang t-shirt are awes. along with his tattoos and George Michael earring he looks somewhere between late 80's punk/grunge and new rave. As for Yo-Landi's Batista t-shirt I'm getting serious clothes envy, especially because I know I'll never find anything as genius as that the rest of my charity shop trawling life.

Please, please, please take my word for it and check out their website it's 10 times better than their video and has loads of pictures I couldn't be bothered to screen grab for this blog. Ha.

Die Antwoord