still nothing

Seeing as I still have nothing and in the vein of befores and afters here is Ashley Simpson pre and post op. Old news I know but seriously I think today and yesterday will go down as the dullest in history and this has kinda stuck in my neck for a while now. Why oh why Ashley did you ruin the key stone of your face? Your old nose tied it all together and it was awesome, now it's so very generic.

nothing has happened

Nothing interesting has happened in the last few days, trust me I've checked. I'm just going to run with this picture then.



We all know you can't polish a turd but you can at least try. I suppose the tits take your attention away from the face.

bad luck ashton

Ashton Kutcher is a pillar of manhood, that guy has shit sorted out. He can't act but gets paid millions to do so. He invented his own show where he fucks shit up for celebrities. He has bagged Demi Moore, hangs out with Bruce Willis and their kids love him. He basically is talentless and spends his days walking around acting like a spaz and no one calls him up on it (unlike Britney). In essence his failures are 1000 times better than most other people's grandest success, which is why I'm sad to see that he may have bitten off more than he can chew.

Ashton's new show Pop Fiction is dying on its arse mostly because unlike celebrities and Punked the media ain't so dumb. Here's a quote from the NY Daily News:

"There's nothing these people do that we don't know about before they get there. We know everything. Ninety percent of their lives are put together by other people. It's almost like these celebs have LoJack. It's easy to track them. "

Bad luck Ashton.

fuck it, I'm still british

When you're Britney Spears, and unfortunately we aren't, you can pretty much do what you like. Abandon your kids for their own good and in turn make people say "yeah well the kids are probably better off with Kevin Federline" (and no one should be better off with Kevin Federline) - no problem. Drive around all day off your tits on caffeine and proscription drugs and then get sectioned - go for it. Talk in a foreign accent while out to dinner with friends celebrating your comeback TV appearance even though it's one of the things that got you sectioned - you go girl.

Britney really is a shining example to us all, you live to your means but if you have bag loads of cash and enough people to baby you through life you can kinda just give up on it all and free yourself from reality. Good work Britney.

stingray kills woman in the face

In an unfortunate but hilarious turn of events a sting ray flew out of the water in the Florida Keys striking a women in the face killing her, dead. The 57 year old woman, Judy Kay Zagorski, was sitting in a boat piloted by her father traveling at 25MPH when the spotted eagle ray leaped out of the water colliding with Zagorski's face.

This HAS to be a lie, it just HAS to. Seriously how would this ever happen? Also why is a man who has to be at least 75 driving a boat, unless he is actually Captain Birdseye then I think we have our guilty party in this cover up, I don't know how but somehow it's his fault for being so old and piloting a boat.

betty needs love too

In a world filled with erection kryptonite such as Heather Mills, Sarah Jessica Parker and Madonna it's easy to forget that women used to be attractive.

Go super Betty! Look, learn, emulate.

metal plane's maiden flight

That's right officially the world's first metal plane. Iron Maiden are using this piece of genius, piloted by Maiden's vocalist Bruce Dickinson (what? yeah that's right Bruce is a licensed pilot with Astraeus Airlines) to travel between events on their "Somewhere Back in Time" tour. The plane is called "Ed Force One" and is one of the best things you will see in the world, ever.

gay is #1

"GAY!" is officially the insult of choice for our nations children according to the Association of Teachers and Lecturers. In a completely worthwhile survey of teachers 83% said that they head the word "gay" far and above any other derogatory term. "Bitch" also does well to come in second with a sturdy 59% considering its gender specific nature, and likewise "slag" in third with 45%.

To keep you up to date and avoid embarrassment here is a full breakdown of the top insults and their percentage score.

Gay (83%)
Bitch (59%)
Slag (45%)
Poof (29%)
Batty boy (29%)
Slut (26%)
Queer (26%)
Lezzie (24.8%)
Homo (22%)
Faggot (11%)
Sissy (5%)

What will top the charts next year? Personally I'm pushing for "Heather Mills" as a derogatory term. Just planting a seed.

just...wow

So there's alot of hype over the new Sex And The City movie, but you know what there isn't a lot of hype over? Sarah Jessica Porkher sex dolls. You have to ask yourself why.

fearne DOESN'T look like my dad

Oxygen thief and spit in the face of all those decent people afflicted with illness of any kind while she walks around perfectly healthy, Fearne Cotton has stolen Preston's glasses!

Glasses good, Fearne bad. Infact Fearne the worst, always.

congratulations heather...

... you make me sympathise with Paul McCartney. Neurotic mess and man repellent Heather Mills armed with her list of people out to get her which simply reads "everyone" has grabbed her shovel and resumed digging, having a swipe at the British legal system.

"Obviously the court do not want a litigant in person to do well, it's against everything that they ever wish." Rants Heather with the usual rabid conviction.

Seriously Heather stop it, just stop it. No one likes you anymore and it's all your fault.

(Heather has subsequently been awarded £24.3 million of Paul McCartney's money and promptly doused his lawyer in water ignoring all requests to "stop it, just stop it".)

amy needs love too

Singer and tabloid punching bag Amy Winehouse is never far from the news, and stories run paint the picture of a star off the rails so it is easy to forget that Amy is a comedy genius when she's not completely off her tiny tits.

Go super Winehouse! And in her own words "Leave it out."

robert downey jr blacks up, seriously look at the picture

Three decades after The Black and White Minstrel Show was taken off the air and what do we have? Robert Downey Jr. In a fantastic piece of writing he is called upon to 'black up' for his role in the upcoming film Tropic Thunder starring along side Ben Stiller and Jack Black. Risky business seeing as The Black and White Minstrel Show was cancelled over 30 years ago because white people blacking themselves up to play stereotypes was seen as a little bit too racist. Downey Jr is well aware of the controversy that this may well cause saying: "If it’s done right, it could be the type of role you called Peter Sellers to do 35 years ago. If you don’t do it right, we’re going to hell." Couple of points that seem to have alluded you here Mr Jr, firstly you're not Peter Sellers and secondly it's not 35 years ago.

Looks like you're all going to hell then, not such a big deal for Ben Stiller who is already going straight there for Meet The Fockers.

lisa's not fat she's just up the duff and will take you to court to prove it

Truffle chuffing daughter of a legend Lisa Marie Presley is suing the Daily Mail after they reported that she is a bit of a chunk, when in fact she is simply just pregnant. Never seen anyone get pregnant in the face before...

preston looks like my dad

The glasses, the beard, the clothes all good, all so good. Heatworld.com has really been hammering this recently and they seem totally none plussed by Preston's new look but big props to the guy, its fucking awesome.

is this the best chart ever assembled?

Mother Jones, American news magazine has compiled a list of the top songs used in U.S military prisons for the purpose of well, torture really. The list compiled from interrogation logs, news reports and the accounts of soldier and detainee's has been received with less condemnation more "I have 7 of the top ten on my ipod".

You gotta admit it's a pretty good party playlist.

kelly osbourne is singing again, but thats ok

Tonight on ITV1's Guilty Pleasures jowl faced Kelly Osbourne is scheduled to hack another song to death. The only reason I mention this is so I can mention this. Seriously, you need it in your life... The Dan Band - Total Eclipse of the Heart. Officially better than sliced bread.