dear jan moir

Dear Jan Moir,

I know that it is impossible for us to ordain the way in which we die, however we can take steps in our lifestyle to gently sway our comeuppance in a certain direction, and this is what I intend to do. Once my life has peaked and I have achieved all that I wish I am going to engage in activities which, for some, may be seen as immoral and certainly ungodly. If all goes to plan I will go out as a result of a drugs overdose while fellating an eastern European boy at one of Dale Winton's pool parties, if this is the case please would you write my obituary.

Your sterling work capturing the colourful aspects of Steven Gately's death was an inspiration to us all, not only was your work heartfelt it was also honest, in a time when we feel oh so obliged to honour our dead. I know at the time of my death you may be engaged in other works such as writing literature for the Christian anti-gay movement in Africa or writing press releases for Nick Griffin so I will give you a few starting points to stir up the bile: Firstly I support equal rights for all, including- homosexuals, foreign workers, immigrants and first generation foreigners. Secondly I actively engage in improving support for those on a low income or on benefit. Thirdly I do not believe that all terrorists are Muslims nor all Muslims are terrorists. Fourthly I understand that the British economy is now propped up by migrant workers, not stealing jobs but doing jobs that the indigenous workers refuse to do. Finally I know that not all benefits are claimed by those who simply can't be bothered to work. If this is not enough then I would be happy to have you walked around my library of pornography and liberal propaganda including works such as 'On the Origin of Species' and 'A Hisroty of the Holocaust'.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to reading your coverage of George Michael's impending death. Hope to hear from you soon.

Jonathan.