easy Lionel

Link:

It's cruel to laugh at the afflicted, but when it's self inflicted it's cruel not to. The over-exaggerated gesturing, the random sporadic stumbling about, the sly trying-to-be-inconspicuous hand in the pocket, the fact that even in this drug addled state there is some faint flicker of light that knows how to get home, all these things are what makes this special. However, the thing that makes this so special is that with time and a little promotion, one day, this video will make it's way round to Lionel and in a painful flashback this debauched morning will no longer be a distant memory but a full colour, full sound, HD-reality. God bless the camera-phone.

sliced bread for the Google generation

Though I am trying to avoid posting inane product based updates to my blog I really, really like this.

It's hard to find a good iPhone case, most of them take up too much space, look cheap or hinder access to your phone and because of this I've never bothered with one. Unfortunately as a result my iPhone is looking a little tatty now and I really need to get some kind of protection for it before it goes the same way as two of my previous iPods: the bin. The main problem I have with iPhone cases is that no matter how slimline they are they inevitably add weight and bulge to my pockets which are already overladen with my Ikea sponsored Oyster card sheath containing not only my Oyster card but my Driving License, work ID, Debit Card, Rail Card, a Tube map and a bottle opener- all of which I consider essential. The only way I would consider a case for my iPhone is if I could do away with my make-shift wallet, however this would render me effectively useless and thus this is as far as my train of thought on the matter would run. So it blew. my. mind. to see a 2-in-1 iPhone case and wallet; sliced bread for the Google generation.

The case-mate I.D. gives protection for your iPhone 3G/3GS while providing space for up to two of your most essential cards, while it won't be much use to someone who carries around the equivalent of a small bible in their pocket, for someone like myself who likes to travel minimal this is a godsend. Coming in an array of (obnoxious) colours and being made and tested (to make sure it doesn't de-magnetise your AMEX) to case-mate's high end standard of quality this is the only iPhone case I would ever consider purchasing. Available from case-mate.com

Kanye West, bigger than Jesus?

This is better than porn or at least close. There is a moment just as Jay Leno mentions Kanye's mum where I actually get aroused, not illegal German porn aroused or even embarrassing shuffle off the bus aroused but I definitely felt something.

In a country with an ego problem where film stars can make it into the White House and foreign body builders can become state Governors, Kanye West finds it hard to put a foot wrong but picking on the young, white, blond, country girl is a step too far. So far that President Obama has declared West a "jackass" which is close-enough-makes-no-difference to "fuckwit" for me.

Finally the world is coming round to the idea that Kanye West is as charming as a genital wart -not much of a shocker I'm afraid- the man is abhorrent in every sense and his talent goes only as far as his ego can push it. A string of piss weak albums and clothing lines that look like they were designed by 1980's Polish gangsters leaves me wondering where Kanye got started on his full frontal assault on my senses and more importantly where will he stop? With any luck the worm has turned and finally Kanye, drunk on his own ego, has pushed the envelope of illusion too far and the American public -easily foxed by the smoke and mirrors- will see Kanye for the fat, talentless nerd that he truly is. This is my hope at least, no doubt all is forgiven after his boner educing cry fest with Jay Leno and we will be back to West spouting such sensationalist classics as "President Bush doesn't care about Black people" without as much as a murmur of discontent from 'the fans'. Though perhaps not- The Beatles nearly cocked it with their "bigger than Jesus" slur and right now in America there is a very fine line between Country & Western and divinity, so hopefully, with a bit of old fashioned faith and prayer we may see the last of the High School Drop Out.

ex-girlfriends are So-Me

I don't like to wear jewelry, I think unless you're married or a pimp it's pretty camp. This stuff however is totally bitching. French artist So-Me has collaborated with Japanese streetwear brand Revolver to bring these Ex Girlfriend necklaces into my life and about time too. Available from Cool Cats Webstore and a little pricey at €85 considering it's a cheap metal necklace but they are rare and pretty cool.

back again...

Back from holiday- tired and tanned.

Will be posting again before the end of the week...

Raekwon feat. Inspectah Deck, GZA, Ghostface Killah & Method Man – house of flying daggers

What came first: white middle class boy's love of badly dubbed ninja films or their love of The Wu Tang Clan? The great chicken and egg conundrum. Either way after 15 years The Wu are still drawing influence from the bad dubbing and dubious plot lines of old ninja flicks- oddly it's yet to wear thin.

The video for House of Flying Daggers fails to do the song justice, lazy and cheap animation lets down what is another quality release from some of the original Wu members. Though the animation is spot on trend it lacks any style or sophistication to make it look better than some cheap internet animation thrown together by a couple of bored students. Even when viewed on a large monitor or a TV screen you are still left feeling that little money, imagination or talent was spent on this video. Understandably the video features ninjas -it is a Wu Tang video after all so your hands are tied re: the ninja quota- but I just think that with a little imagination this video could have been so much more than the cheap cliché that it is.

The track itself is excellent, featuring production from the late J Dilla and is a reminder that after many years and a few deaths the Wu can still pump out their unique style of Hip-Hop and make it sound fresh- which is harder than it sounds. Look at the Prodigy for example, they now sound like a poor man's Pendulum and Pendulum sound terrible even with a head full of ecstasy.

House of Flying Daggers features on Raekwon's forthcoming album Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II to be released September 8th.

when did Speed Garage stop being a joke? (Speed Garage is back and he's left his Reebok Classics at home)

Life, music and fashion all run on a continuous repeating loop, which is why in 2009 we're all knocking around looking like extras from a John Hughes (R.I.P) movie...

Being down with the kids is pretty tough, you have to face things you thought you'd safely buried back in the 90's. What's worse is coming to terms with actually liking them. Over the last year Speed Garage and 4x4 have slowly, but none the less forcefully, been creeping into my frontal lobe. My iPod has been dominated by a few young but talented DJ's: Kissy Sell Out, Foamo, A1 Bassline to name a few that have sodomised my ears with music that 10 years earlier would have had me fleeing for the nearest hat pin to perforate my ear drums. A little exaggerated perhaps but 10 years ago I was 15 and teenagers tend to have an all or nothing ethos. Simply put I've been unwittingly listening to a lot of Speed Garage, but it's not the Garage of the 90's, it has had a style update and now it's up beat tempo and all over chirpy disposition makes it perfect ear fodder for the young and raving.

Day glow paint and glow sticks are no longer the articles of the grimy underground, they are at the forefront of the festival and club scene so much so that I spent an afternoon at Field Day and returned home looking like a Stephen Sprouse masterpiece. With the neon has come a happier bouncier side to Garage, gone are the gelled short back and sides and Rockports, the skinny jeans and plimsolls have won the day. In the hands of this new breed of DJ's even the hardest of old school Garage is tweaked and mixed to sound new, fresh and ironically cool. This new life that has been breathed into the genre has been so effective that it is a task beyond my ears to listen to a mix and pick out the new releases from the vintage.

The reason that Speed Garage has been able to crash our party so stealthily is because few DJ's (worth listening to) use the term Garage any more, the genre goes by other monikers and sub-genres, 4x4 and Bassline House being the most prolific. Sheffieldians will tell you that Bassline House is a genre unto itself but only because since the steel industry collapsed the city has little going for it and claiming a music genre of their own is a big deal... just humour them. Sure there are subtle differences between the genres but it's the same as trying to differentiate between the Cheeky Girls, a tough task that no one cares enough about to bother. These "sub" genres are gaining momentum right now and are yet to peak in clubs, but be sure that the latter half of this year will be dominated by 4x4 and Bassline, they are already seeping into the mainstream and it won't be long before Calvin Harris gets his untalented teeth into them.

The appeal of Speed Garage is it's throw away charm; there is nothing special or clever about a speed garage track- a simple and uniform 4x4 beat with some synthesised bass and, if you're lucky, a touch of vocals, lyrically uncomplicated but with a self awareness that lets you forgive it's simplicity and lack of panache. Thinking about it I now wonder what we ever danced to before Garage, everything else seems so serious in comparison... the only thing that comes close is early 80's Italian Disco and sadly that hasn't taken off in the clubs. Electro is obviously danceable, but these days you get the feeling that as a genre it takes itself far too seriously. Deep and Vocal House suffer from the same affliction that Electro does with an added nail in the coffin in that the genre has progressed little in the last 10 years. Hip-Hop and Drum and Bass are out because unless you're a 17yr old driving your Corsa round town then they're totally unacceptable. And that doesn't leave much for the New Rave Warriors does it?

I may have to rename this post - Speed Garage: The Saviour of Dance - because I think it really is.

*ZANG!* best-idea-ever

I'm gonna have this t-shirt made up the second I get paid. Try not to be too jealous.

something to rave about

Repetative electronica can be really hit and miss. I like far more of it than I should, there's a certain hypnotic charm to hitting on a bassline that hooks you in, satisfying the primeval infatuation with a monotonous but well timed drone.

Get Get Get by Grapes aka Flip Kowlier (a man who has already had his hand in indie and hip-hop and now wants to prove he can knock out something to rave to) is a stonking good piece of electro tedium. The chirpy but electronic beats of this tune with it's cartooney but lude video reminds me of Junior Senior- if Junior Senior weren't shit and they made lude electronic music videos. Which they don't so the link is tenuous. However, I can see this song being big and you have got to give props for the music video that is carefully crafted and aesthetically bold with a 50's style joyfully reminding me of Ren and Stimpy. The song as a whole is basic with a grimey electronic bassline that doesn't deviate throughout and a 4x4 beat which makes me think that Kowlier is playing it a little safe considering the recent popularity of 4x4 and speed garage. None the less the song is excellent and quickly draws you in, which is all you can really ask for I suppose.

Via DCR

Offender Locator, another worthless app for my iPhone

This app creeped my out for 6 seconds and then I was fascinated by it, but for that reason it has to go. If it doesn't then the next time I'm in the pub I will be betting on the distance to the nearest sex offender.

Offender Locator allows you to search for registered sex offenders by street address or current GPS position from your iPhone. This application spent 2 weeks on the Top Paid Apps list on the American App Store before it was pulled, presumably because of the Californian law prohibiting the sale of criminal information for a profit, which means that a lot of people have this app now, more concerning is that here in the UK you can still download both the full and lite versions.

Why you would need to know the nearest registered sex offender is beyond me other than for financial gain in a voyeuristic pub betting game. It's the triviality and mobility of this application and it's information that really perplexes me. My sister has a two year old daughter and I have a little brother aged 11, neither my parents nor my sister have ever checked the sex offenders register nor do they want to check on their iPhones where the nearest sex offender lives before letting the kids loose on an adventure playground. I don't come from a family of Daily Mail readers, which is probably why I can't see the advantage of this app or the sex offenders register being made public, the only people I can see having a use for the information Offender Locator provides are the paranoid immigrant fearers that need a quick hit of panic and indignation. I would assume the Daily Mail would be enough of a fix, clearly not. For the people who genuinely feel they and their family are at risk from roaming hoards of child rapists the sex offenders register is like pushing on that loose tooth, it's painful but you kinda like it.

What exactly do we gain by knowing the last registered address of a sex offender? In reality fuck all. Other than not sending your kids round to the house to trick or treat this is no good way to protect yourself or others from sexual attack, after all the world is a chaotic and random place. Plus sex offenders are not house bound. The fact is that here in western countries, in particular the UK and USA, we love paedophiles, we can't get enough of them- it's an irrational fear and obsession we have for reasons I don't fully understand. I think in part it's down to media hype and that we love a good stereotyped baddy, whatever the reasons it's a morbid fascination that Offender Locator plays up to, it's like your very own Hollywood celebrity tour but for sociopaths and the mentally ill.

The fear mongering that Offender Locator brings to bear is unbelievable but in America they can go one better. The Family Watchdog's (an American website listing sex offenders) iPhone app "also analyzes the threat level at the phone's location, and delivers a concise summary so that users can quickly gauge their personal risk." I.E. you can now accurately determine how close you and your family are to a gang raping. No one knows fear like Middle America, Middle England is a Glaswegian dock worker by comparison.

Offender Locator is one of the reasons I hate iPhones, there are too many awful app's out there. I can see even less use for this application than for the Virtual Zippo or iPint both of which -despite being amusing for less than 3 seconds- are rammed down your throat every time you go to the pub with some prick with an iPhone. Next time I do go to the pub I expect to be discussing this app because odds on someone will pull it out and look up the nearest sex offender, the only small mercy is that Offender Locator doesn't work too well in the UK- but this could all change with a new update.