ok, so this annoyed me

After getting bored within 10 minutes of being conscious this morning I started looking for ways to spend my hard received Xmas cash. Looking in the accessories sale on asos (for a neckerchief and mittens) I found this Ralf Lauren tote bag in the sale with a whopping £39 off it's RRP! Wowzer! you may say, but hold that sentiment until you hear that the RRP was £110! One hundred and ten. Pounds. For a fucking tote bag. An expensive tote bag goes against everything a tote bag is meant to be; cheap, utilitarian and semi-disposable. I can't possibly understand how this has sold badly?

I'm sure this thing is well made and has plenty of pockets to stuff-your-stuff in but seriously you spend £110 on a pair of shoes and get a nice tote bag for free, the only explanation why you would spend £110 on a tote alone is that it is lined with the labial skin of vestal virgins. But lo, our lord asos spoke thus:

* - Cotton tote bag by Polo Ralph Lauren
* - Vibrant embroidered logo front detail
* - Oversized style with twin handles

At straws, clutching- no? Twin handles on a tote bag is a feature as much as ink is to a pen.

This has to be one of the most prolific examples of shameless branding on a shoddy product I have ever seen, you are truly paying for that berk on a horse and nothing else. What's more I fail to see how anyone with more than two brain cells to smash together isn't going to think you a cunt for you buying such a monstrosity.

If you want a really good designer tote bag get down the market and buy a knocked off one, they are always cooler, funnier, cheaper and you can walk around in the knowledge that you -in your own small way- are sticking it the THE MAN.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

stocking filler

I never know what to ask for for xmas so I usually just trawl websites until I find something that I think I could do with and ask for that. But this year I am CREAMING my pants about unwrapping this shirt on xmas day. Denim? Yep. Quilted? Sure is. This thing is going to be so snug fitted under a brushed cotton shirt, you have no idea. Roll on xmas day.

£40 at Topman.

russ meyer

I find it hard to fault Russ Meyer, but when your niche is soft porn with extra boobs then it's hard for you to go wrong anyway.

With a career spanning over 50 years Meyer has cemented his place in cult movie folk lore creating some iconic titles such as Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! and Supervixen, however out of the cult scene he is little known. You may not have seen any of Russ Meyer's films but it's doubtless that you will have seen his influence, because it's not the plot -which at times are paper thin- that makes you love Meyer's films, it's his style; the music, the cinematography, the direction that all contribute to an orgy of cult imagery, these aren't films they are pieces of pop art. Most of Meyer's plots can be summarised in three words: sex, violence and domination, and if you are absolutely honest with yourself then most of his work differs little other than budget and bra size, but that doesn't stop you loving it. Neither does the sexism and racism that goes hand in hand with these exploitation films because you get the feeling that it was not intended maliciously, more a reflection of the time. And what a reflection! A colourful romp across America in fast cars, beautiful women and cartoon violence!

Take these films with a pinch of salt and with your tongue firmly placed in your cheek then it's hard not to love them and with Amazon selling the box set at a boobilicious £25.48 you have no excuse not to indulge yourself.

dear world, stop ruining things i love

There is a fine line between love and hate, but not with these All Star Hi Straps, I irrefutably hate them.

When it comes to footwear, and most other clothes for that matter, I must admit I'm a bit of a stickler for originality and history, which is why I love Chuck Taylors. CTs are the original trainer, they have changed little -other than colour- over the past 90 years and are so iconic that if you're old enough to buy your own footwear you know what a pair of All Stars are and have no doubt owned at least one pair. These things are so engulfing that they are synonymous with everything from punk rock through to the American Dream, from the hippie movement to Justin Timberlake, which is why I tear out my hair when someone fucks with them.

I don't want extra straps added to my Chucks or the laces replaced with Velcro, I don't want glitter or graffiti printed on, I want a design classic to be left alone. Augmenting a pair of All Stars is like putting a body kit and under floor lighting on a '65 Mustang, only a retard would miss the vulgarity of it. Perhaps I'm exaggerating a little here, after all I've seen worse "updates" to these trainers, but the key to the Chuck Taylor's overpowering appeal is it's simplicity and when you start adding extra straps or changing the material you're ruining what makes these trainers great, so- leave them alone.

the desert boot is well and truely back

Like a cyst these things have grown on me. It's taken me over a year for me to go from thinking Clarks Desert Boots are no better than a pair of Ugg boots to thinking these have to be the ultimate in utilitarian work wear. They have history, they are comfy as hell and they are very, very cool, better than this they come in a multitude of colours and materials so you can buy a pair without rocking up to the pub to find the barman wearing your treads. As well as the standard Des Boots you'll find in your local Clarks store there are also a few collaborations knocking about, so if you want something a little more exclusive and don't mind a little hunting then they are out there for you.

free stuff that won't end up pissing off the bin man

Too busy to even wash myself properly this week so sadly I'm going to be hasty and humourless.

Do you like free shit? Yeah me too, the amount of useless crap that I come home with to hold on to for for a week and then ditch into the nearest wheely bin is getting farcical. However this looks like it's worth a punt, Crooked Tongues are running a comp to win a pair of shoes a week for a year, that's 52 pairs of shoes, for bugger all! All the need to do is head down to the website, fill out the form and BOOYAH, you're entered into the prize draw.

Don't say I never treat you.

top 100 t's of the 00's

Got a spare 10 minutes? Then check this out. Top 100 t-shirts of the 2000's and though I don't entirely agree with the list, especially the top 10, there are some stonking T's in there. Sadly my "I could be the white Obama" T didn't make the list. Philistines.

gui boratto - take my breath away

I have to admit I always have my reservations about deep house or anything that is just as acceptable in a club as it is through headphones but Gui Boratto has shown me the error of my ways, this song is epic. Never quite climaxing; rolling, flowing, ebbing through your ears like a tide, leaving you wanting more. Perfect.

Gui Boratto has created perfect balance with Take My Breath Away. The deep fluid bassline is played off against a high pitched distorted electric buzz of the pseudo climax that never comes, just at the moment you think there is a peak you are dropped back down to start all over again. This is repeated through the song with minor changes each time, oddly it never gets old and you're almost reassured to find yourself back where the tune began. I think the track avoids feeling repetitive by avoiding many of the clichés that plague deep house and it's many sub genres, and injects something new with an electro/techno garnish.

The easy build up and drop down equates to this being reserved enough to listen at home and relax with while still serving as a stunning DJ tool to build the crowd up to a frenzy, a combination that is very rarely come across. Already have I heard this song being dropped into the middle of several sets from some of the worlds most well thought of techno DJ's, and I think this is a trend which is set to continue.

Boratto is part of a new wave of Brazilian DJ's and producers that are proving that there is more to the Brazilian dance scene than Latin House, Jazz and Giles Peterson. This cartel of music makers are rocking dancefloors worldwide so you would be wise to keep your eyes and ears peeled for anything forming south of the equator.

public flogging, on national tv?

Are we a nation of sadists? After watching this week's X Factor I'm inclined to say yes.

John and Edward, by all reason, should have been sent home weeks ago, yet they are still here performing for the amusement of us, The Great British Public. Poor singers, personally repugnant, hated by 3 of the judges and only tolerated by the last because Louis is lumbered with them, they are wheeled out for ridicule and amusement week after week and someone is voting for them. The explanation is that a large number of people are voting to watch these two bare their soul, then to be slowly and meticulously cut down like a bull is bled out by a matador. What's even more interesting is that the two are beginning to understand that they are the nation's embarrassing play thing, looking coy and resigned after the judges comments and exasperated bordering on exhausted hearing the news that they were going to be saved for another week of public flogging.

This also marks a shift in the public's voting habits, previous X Factors have seen people voting for and virulently supporting the act they saw as the most deserving, now they are voting for the act they deem most entertaining, irrelevant of skill or appeal. This happened years ago in the now axed Big Brother and led to Jade Goody's assault on the world, a woman who's only redeemable act was to, unintentionally, heighten knowledge of cervical cancer. More concerning is the shift in The X Factor's production to emphasise the 'entertainment' value of the two boys; dressing them up in garish suits, choosing songs they struggle to perform with any dignity and having a set design that is a cross between a children's party and cabaret.

Unfortunately this roaming band of sadists that are keeping John and Edward on my TV are not only risking the working order of my TV they are also risking the creditability of The X Factor. Once past the initial freak show that is the auditions the show switches tact to respected talent show that is considered a breeding ground for next year's pop starlets. The Twins have bridged the gap from the circus side show and, if they continue to gather support, risk debasing the importance of the winner, highlighting the show's triviality. Better yet until the duet get down into the bottom two acts there is nothing anyone -who would want to- can do about it.

What the future holds for The Twins is yet to see, with any luck they will be kept prisoner by their own popularity, repeatedly reminded that it's not their fault they are still there and it's certainly not because of talent either. Becoming increasingly disillusioned and depressed they will struggle with the fade to grey and I don't think a drugs problem or a tactically leaked porn would be out of the question. Whatever happens it's going to be unpleasant, embarrassing and on YouTube.

fame can buy you anything, even a lingerie deal

I was browsing the Daily Mail website, looking for something to wind me up when I came across this article about Peaches Geldof and Dappy getting together via Twitter, the headline reading thus: "It girl turned lingerie model Peaches Geldof Twitters N-Dubz star Dappy to ask for a date". When THE FUCK did Peaches start modelling lingerie? Infact scratch that; why THE FUCK is Peaches modelling lingerie? It's but a small step for a young, pert, attractive IT girl to make the jump from the party scene to a lucrative modelling job, but this is Peaches Geldhof. The runt. The girl considered only marginally more attractive than Bob. On top of this these picture could have only been more obviously photoshopped if I had done them myself. With a crayon. In the dark.

I think this annoys me so much because Peaches is so unfit for purpose here, maybe she could have modelled some up and coming Indy street brand, something that fits better with her personality -what there is of it- but lingerie? For Debenhams? This is all piled on top of the fact that she is kinda out of shape. I by no means want a size 0 model or some silicone princess but maybe someone who looks good without the lighting rig and Adobe CS4. This once again highlights that if you are between 18 - 30 and have had your face in, at least, The London Lite then someone, however misguided, will pay you to get your kit off. We are a nation of perves, god bless us.